Another one....

I really need to vent....This is no way pointed at any of the pregnant ladies I know and love...It is a frustration that you thankfully will never know.

Todd and I have dealt with infertility for the past 14 years. There is no one to blame exactly, it is a combination of us both. We were told about 4 years ago that our only hope of conceiving was through In Vitro. Which many of you know is extremely expensive and not any where near guaranteed. I have known ladies that go through multiple rounds at approximately $10 K a pop....OUCH!!!!

I am usually okay with my situation of not being able to bear children. I usually laugh it off, that I have a 40 year old child named Todd...I am not sure that we are ready...If God had wanted us to have children we would...I am okay either having kids or not...

Sometimes, though, I just want to scream "WHY NOT ME?"

I know I play it off that it doesn't bother me or that I have changed my mind about children, but in all reality, I would love to be a mother! I see women time and time again have babies and it really effects my self esteem. I start to ponder...why can't I be a mommy? Will I not be good enough? Am I not a good person?

I know these questions are not really the problem...Todd and I have medical issues that refrain us from conventional methods of conception, but seriously, I know others that have overcome much worse with miracles. Then I start wondering, did I do something that God doesn't like or does he think I wouldn't make a good Mommy?

What I am really tired of is the questions....So you've been married for 14 years? No kids? So when are you getting pregnant?

These questions make me feel like a 2nd class citizen...like I am a cold heartless woman who has no time for children....Like I am inadequate, because I can not reproduce.

I know these questions are not meant to directly hurt me, but they do. I don't show my emotions often, so when I get a rant like this...it is just from a lot of build up...

I try with all my might not to be envious of my friends or other women who are "conceivables", but that evil green little monster does rear its ugly head. Like I said earlier, this is not in any way pointed to the wonderful girls that are pregnant that I know and love...This is a me issue, lol!

One thing that does bug me though...is that the "conceivables" who aren't my friends and know my struggles, for the most part do not realize how difficult it is for most women to conceive and they blow it off like it is no effort to conceive. It is really a slap in our "inconceivables" face. Usually, we haven't done anything differently to prevent our abilities....Just because you can doesn't mean you should!

Now on a happier note...I am so happy that my baby cousin is pregnant. She was told that she wouldn't be able to conceive naturally and would most likely have to have a hysterectomy before she even turned 30. She tried In Vitro and it didn't take, but now she is pregnant with her first child....makes me happy that doctor's don't always know everything, lol!

So thanks for allowing me to get that off my chest....I do feel better. Sometimes just writing it down helps take away the bitterness I feel.